The One that got Away

This one is for you.

Have you ever met somebody so beautiful on the outside, that you failed to realize how beautiful they are on the inside?

I have. Just once. We first met at a mutual friend’s party, and as soon I locked eyes on her – It was the first and only time I would believe in “love at first sight.” I’m sure I’m not the only man that thought this, in fact I know I’m not the only one who thought it. All of my friends were in lust, as most men in this world would be. If you saw her, you’d understand. At the time, she had beautiful blonde hair that draped down her shoulders – she dyed her hair often, but the color didn’t matter. Everything looked good on her. Her beautiful figure was even more intriguing, because she never gave away too much. I was much too nervous to talk to her at this party. My confidence was low, she was absolutely gorgeous, and four years older than me – which was a significant difference in maturity in my early twenties. She left the party that night, and I felt a hole in my heart that I didn’t even try. I looked up her social media that night and found her, but I really didn’t want to be that creep from a party that wouldn’t talk to her in person, but messaged her on Facebook. The next day I confided in a friend of mine about it, and he told me I should go for it. I had nothing to lose. Well I did, and my life would be forever changed. I could have never known that somebody so beautiful on the outside, had so much more to offer on the inside.

She agreed to go on a date with me, and we went to Starbucks. I remember being extremely nervous – not only because I was intimidated by her beauty, but I felt like a fish out of water when I asked for a “medium” coffee. (I still don’t know the proper name, and I never will.) We hit it off and decided to go for a walk in the park. It was extremely innocent and blissful, one of the most pure things I had ever felt in my entire life. I can vividly remember to this day watching her hair blow in the wind, and unfortunately, the deep feeling inside of my heart that she was too good for me. We dated for some time after that, but my insecurities ate me alive. I was too young, too immature, and too ignorant to realize what I had in front of me. But she still stuck around for an extremely long time. She believed in me.

She worked hard. Really, really hard. She’s one of the most ambitious human beings I’ve ever met. She knew what she wanted and she knew what it was going to take to get those things. No matter how hard she worked, she always had time for me. Always. She was always there when I called, she was there when I was happy, and she was there when I cried. I took this all for granted and used her love against her as a means of power. You know, things immature children do. I like to think I made her happy. But I also know I was the reason for many of her tears.

I reminisce upon a time in the beginning of our relationship when she took me to a cemetery to visit a loved one’s grave. At first, I was thinking “why are we in the cemetery in the middle of the night? This is creepy.” Looking back, I am absolutely honored that she brought me. She taught me many things about life. I didn’t have to make a ton of money or have a prestigious title to be worthy of love. I was missing a tooth, a first premolar, that was absolutely detrimental to my self esteem at the time. It didn’t matter to her, she still loved me for everything that I was. There was just one problem. I didn’t love myself.

At the time, I wasn’t equipped to handle a woman of her nature. A woman with disciplined, intellectual beauty was very new to me. Deep down inside I still never felt good enough, and I firmly believed that sooner or later she would leave me for somebody who made more money. Somebody prestigious. Somebody better looking. Anybody that wasn’t me. In turn, I projected these insecurities on to her. Instead of embracing our love, I feared our departure. The entire relationship, I was bracing myself for impact. The feeling of how bad it would hurt to lose her. So we began to grow apart. Not because we weren’t compatible, and not because we weren’t in love. Because I was scared.

I was scared for many reasons. She was reaching a point where she wanted marriage and children, and I was still trying to level up in a video game. The tension inside of me grew deeper. The thought that she was going to leave me lingered in my mind more often than not. To think I couldn’t give the woman that did everything for me what she wanted killed me inside. One day she came home from work and started crying, and asked me, “Do you think we’re compatible?” I didn’t know what to say.

Looking back, I can answer it now. Yeah, I do. The most compatible two human beings could be.

She let me live in her apartment rent free. While she busted her ass for almost 20 hours a day, I napped. I played video games. I smoked weed. She had to beg me to do things with her, and I never came around her family. Looking back, I didn’t want to come around because of that deep dark feeling that followed me everywhere I went. I wasn’t good enough for her. Although I have forgiven myself for my childish ways, I’d be a liar if I told you that it didn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth.

I broke up with her many times. Why? I’m not really sure. I think it all relates back to me bracing and preparing for what I thought she would do to me. Leave me. So in my childish mind, if I left her, I wouldn’t feel as bad. It didn’t take me long to come running back – and there she was, each and every time with her arms open, and forgiveness in her heart. And each and every time I took it for granted.

One night I left. I packed my shit and left her apartment over something really stupid. Once again, I told her we would no longer be seeing each other. I was too childish and ignorant to realize all of the pain I was causing her everytime I did this. Little did I know, that was the last time she would take me back. That was the last time she would forgive me. It was the last time I would spend precious time with not only my lover, but my best friend in the entire world.

When I attempted to reach out to her again, for the first time, she told me that she felt we were better off apart. She told me there was a chance, but in reality, with my insecurities, I stood no chance. She ignored my texts, so I decided that I would send her the nastiest message that I could drum up in my brain. I felt like we were hanging on by a string, and it was all my fault. In my mind, I knew the only thing that could cut that string was to say something you could never come back from. None of these words I spit out of my mouth through a text were even true. I told her some really mean things, and I’m not proud to admit it. “But I’m not too proud to tell you that I cry sometimes, cry sometimes about it.”

That was the end. I had successfully destroyed the best thing that had ever come into my life. I must of cried about it for years. I reached out to her for months and months in desperate attempts that she would take me back. I hoped that she would say something mean back to me. I hoped she would tell me that she hated me. But that wasn’t who she was, or is today. She successfully wore her heart on her sleeve, let me rip it out, step on it, and than forgave me. But just because she forgave me, didn’t mean she was going to take me back. I recall a specific message I sent her saying that I was doing really well and hoped we could talk. She replied “I’m really happy you’re doing well, but we can’t talk.”

It all makes sense now. I was a child, and she was a mature adult that loved herself way too much to ever let me hurt her again – Even if she loved me.

Good for her.

I had no choice but to move on. The hardest part about doing that was knowing I was the one who destroyed something genuine. I had let my past experiences before her turn me into a bitter, cold person – and in return, that’s the person she got. Now I’m not saying I didn’t do nice things for her. I’m just saying she deserved a lot more. I met a lot of people and dated a lot of people since than. None of those relationships would ever amount to her friendship. Nobody showed me unconditional love, nobody brought me food home everynight, nobody cared about my health and prosperity. Nobody was like her, and there will never be anybody like her.

I saw her today. She is a patient at the dental office I work in, and I knew she was coming. I had wrote a “thank you” letter a very long time ago, and I promised myself I would give it to her if I ever saw her again. Well, to be completely honest, I didn’t think I’d ever be back in this dental practice, and I didn’t think I’d ever see her again. She’s just as beautiful today as she was when we first met, if not even more gorgeous. I planned everything. I told myself as soon as she walked out the door, I would chase her down and give her the letter. The letter I had been so anxiously awaiting to give her for a very long time. This letter was as genuine as she is, and was solely to say thank you. Unfortunately there aren’t enough pieces of paper in the world to thank her for everything she did. I was extremely nervous when I ran out the door – the same butterflies were in my stomach that were there on our first date. I didn’t know how she’d react. I didn’t know if she’d even take the letter. I literally recited what I was going to say to her, but when we locked eyes, a million memories flew through my brain within milliseconds. I could hardly put together a sentence. I hugged her and thanked her for everything that she did for me, but unfortunately words only go so far. For that moment though, I was free again. It felt right. I finally felt like this was destiny, and all of this needed to happen. Her touch, her feel, the beautiful smell of her hair – It brought back so many memories of us laying together, laughing at nothing, happy for no reason – Just joyful to be in each other’s company. The love never disappeared.

Other than that, I don’t know where she is in life. I imagine she’s doing great things as I would expect nothing less from somebody so ambitious. I don’t know if she’s seeing anybody, but if she is, I hope he knows that he has a queen. And he better treat her like one. For me, I had to lose her to realize what I had. But this was destiny. This was God’s plan, and you can’t interfere with God’s plan. I can only hope my future wife and mother of my children are half the woman that she is. Other than giving her the letter, I don’t reach out to her personally – for one simple reason. For the first time, it’s not about me anymore.

My advice to you? First off, love yourself. Second, don’t do what I did. Take my advice. Recognize what you have in front of you, because if you don’t, that person will leave you. You know what they say, you never really know what you have until it’s gone. And once it’s gone, it may never come back. I’m not talking about the person who simply has sex with you. I’m talking about the person that loves you for who you really are, because it is a rare thing to come across. You might never find it again. Time is absolutely precious and one day we will be left with nothing but memories. Some day, all of this will be gone. You shouldn’t be scared of this thought, but you should implement this truth into your life at this very moment. Hold the person that you love closely next to you. Don’t just tell them how much you love them, show them. Don’t be like me. Don’t cut the string. You, and me, are both worthy of love. Because of her, I will never sell myself short again.

I hope she’s very happy. I hope she has somebody whom brings light to the dark, somebody whom brings sun to her rainy days, and someone whom keeps her warm if she should ever be cold. Somebody whom recognizes not only her outer beauty, but her inner beauty. Somebody whom goes out of their way every single day to make sure that precious heart of hers will always beat for them. After all, that is what she deserves.

As for me? I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you. I’ve come to a lot of conclusions in life and spent a lot of time and energy on people that didn’t deserve it. But within this sadness and pain, I found myself inside of a dark room. A room where it seemed the walls were closing in and I was suffocating. A very dark place where hope didn’t exist, but I searched really deep inside of myself to find it. I dug so deep inside my heart to find that love for myself. I could’ve quit and just remained a bitter asshole. I could’ve kept telling myself it was her fault. I could’ve been like every other cold person in this world, and just continued to justify my actions to sleep at night. Instead, I held myself accountable. Within that accountability, I realized what was important to me. If you and your significant other are having issues right now, put the effort in. Put the time in. Put your fucking heart into it, so at least at the end of the day, if it doesn’t work out, you can tell yourself that you gave it all you had.

I’m a firm believer that our heart’s will cross path’s again, and this time it will be for good.

But remember, there are no promises in life.

Choose Wisely.

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